How to avoid the common pitfalls of assuming others know your unique ‘rule book’ - after all it’s just ‘common-sense’!
We all have an internal rule book that guides our actions and judgment of others. Our rules for work/life are the result of our upbringing and life experience. They may change over time or they may become more rigid. Whether our rules are in or outside of mainstream norms, they are fundamentally about safety – “If I do this, and not that, I will keep myself and others safe, protected.”
The problem with our ‘rule books’ is that they are often not clearly defined. We simply know in our ‘gut’ if something is right or wrong. If questioned, we say “It’s common sense that he/she SHOULD know that he/she SHOULD do [fill in the blank]”. This is the challenge. If we have not clearly communicated our rule and gained agreement with another person to live by that rule, two things happen. First, there is a definite risk that we will inflict our negative judgment on the ‘offending’ person. Second, the ‘offending person’ will feel threatened by our judgment and will be at risk of locking into a ‘fight, flight or freeze’ response. The chance of a constructive outcome becomes greatly reduced. Most importantly, the trust in the relationship has been damaged.
Solution? Do the mindful work of identifying your rules, then proactively communicate your ‘rule expectations’ to others who you expect to abide by them.
Tips:
Every time you say “should” or “should not” it is a trigger to ask yourself if you have a rule that underlies that judgment.
A lot of intensely held rules are unique and can be experienced as a bit quirky. For example, even though I am an HR consultant, I have a rule that I – and my team members – ‘should’ pick up garbage in a client’s parking deck. Not only that, we ‘should’ communicate the fact that we picked up the garbage to the manager in charge (assuring him/her that we were happy to do so) and respectfully suggest that they might want to check the frequency of trash monitoring. Common sense? No. Helpful? Yes. Quirky? Absolutely. It certainly would not be fair of me to have this expectation of my team members without first informing them!
Bottom line: Expectation without up-front communication will not help others to live by your rules.
